Tolerance, Love, Apex Stillness
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When I was 8 or 9 I became fascinated with Gandhi. I honestly don't know how this happened to me down in Houston Texas in 1975. It was before the epic movie starring Ben Kingsley, and I was not raised in a family with any proximity to Hinduism or Indian culture. Mysterious.
I read books about him, about India generally, about British colonialism, his philosophy of truth and nonviolence. I collected pictures of him and was entranced when my Grandmother told me of her visit to India, shortly after Gandhi was assassinated. She and my grandfather visited a school in Sevagram at Gandhis ashram, and she wrote to my mother of a 'unifying spirit' she felt there. And of course years later, I am saddened and disappointed by the very troubling issues also connected to Gandhi: blatant racism and complicity in the wretched caste system.
I'm thinking about truth and nonviolence all the time these days — is anyone not? And in the midst of feeling powerless, what I feel I can do right now is look into my own heart and mine it for as much honesty and gentleness as I possibly can. And right now I can look into my own heart and see all the contradictions and be truthful with myself… about my rage and biases. So many things to feel all at once. Very uncomfortable. Very humbling.
Gandhi said "love is the subtlest force in the world." So where I'm at is: if I can sit with my own heart and mind and tolerate all the contradictions, I may be able to do it with others.
It's grey and rainy outside as I write this. Good meditation weather. Everyday we are closer to apex stillness: the winter solstice. If you are planning to or trying to meditate and you are struggling, it might help to know that nature is going inward too. Sit like a tree or a mountain and let the thoughts and feelings rumble through you — and love yourself for tolerating them. When its all too much, commune with other humans and love and tolerate them too — contradictions and all.